Parody

[RIFF]

Dear kindly Mrs. Krupke

Sure, I don’t go to class –

But if my grades went upke

It’s not like I would pass!

The honors students get it

Through magic I don’t know;

Golly Moses, maybe I’m just slow!

[ALL]

Yeah!  Geez, Mrs. Krupke, so what else is new?

We spend year after year doing a thing we can’t do.

If this is what it’s gonna be all the way,

It makes more sense to quit today!

[RIFF]

Quit today!

[ALL]

Quit today, quit today,

Quit this very day,

Stop wasting our time and quit today.

[TIGER]

That’s an incredibly tragic story, and you should know that it’s not at all your fault.

[RIFF]

So can you explain it to my mom?

[TIGER]

Your mom?  I’ll see that it gets explained to the world!

*****

[RIFF]

Dear kindly Princess Thinkpiece,

I’m so microaggressed;

The girls call me a twinkpiece,

Which makes me feel oppressed.

My ass gets beaten daily,

I’ve never had a date;

Leapin’ lizards, that’s what I call hate!

[SNOWBOY]

Ew.  Look, Mrs. Krupke, just take him away:

His background’s no excuse for this abusive display.

His manhood is toxic, there’s no hope in sight –

At this point he’s basically alt-right!

[RIFF]

I’m alt-right!

[ALL]

We’re alt-right, we’re alt-right

Looks like we’re alt-right,

Like, Breitbart-reading 4Chan-posting right!

[SNOWBOY]

(miming typing)

And as my time with this deprived young man came to a close, my heart welled up with a tremendous flow of compassion, but I knew that something in his background had left his emotional and expressive faculties too repressed for me to achieve any kind of real communication.  He has a lot of self-educating to do before he can really be called fit to interact with anyone vulnerable.

[RIFF]

Hey, hear that?  I’m repressed on account a I’m oppressed!

[SNOWBOY]

I didn’t say that!  I’m sure that the things that make you blameworthy have nothing to do with your race or class or anything sensitive!

[TIGER]

Look, you heard what she said, it might be best if we just…take you to your own kind.  Maybe they’ll know how to help you.

*****

[RIFF]

My waifu is from Touhou,

My memes are super dank,

I’m going through life solo,

There’s nothing in the bank;

I’d like to be a winner,

I’d settle for respect –

Goodness gracious, please help me connect!

[ACTION]

Sure.  Christ, Mrs. Krupke, go fuck off and die.

This Meeks don’t need our help – and if he does, he can fry.

His kind of sob story can always win fame

Through mainstream media acclaim!

[RIFF]

There’s acclaim!

[ALL]

There’s acclaim, there’s acclaim,

Media acclaim,

We’ll bask in mainstream media acclaim!

[ACTION]

Don’t let the door hit you on your way out, Chocolate Chad.  Enjoy having degenerate sluts jump all over your jungle dick.  We’re not fooled by your lies.

[RIFF]

…what?

[ACTION]

And go to church!

[TIGER]

Look, this was probably a mistake from the get-go.  The mainstream media sounds like a much – saner – option.

*****

[RIFF]

Dear kindly Mr. Blitzer,

There’s no path to success;

Everyone’s a kibitzer,

And still my life’s a mess!

My brothers all are Nazis,

My best friends all are cucked;

Gloryosky, that’s how much I’m fucked!

[A-RAB]

Oy!  Yes, Mrs. Krupke, it’s really so sad,

Without a real degree there’s just no jobs to be had.

Society can save him, if we act quick:

More college prep should do the trick!

[RIFF]

Do the trick!

[ALL]

Do the trick, do the trick,

It’ll do the trick,

Going back to school will do the trick!

*****

[JOYBOY]

The trouble is the teaching –

[SNOWBOY]

The trouble is his race –

[ACTION]

The trouble is your preaching –

[BABY JOHN]

The trouble is his face –

[A-RAB]

The trouble starts in summer –

[MOUTHPIECE]

The trouble starts in fall –

[ALL]

Krupke, this just doesn’t work at all!

Listen, please, Mrs. Krupke, we’re way too behind,

[RIFF]

The system doesn’t need us and we can’t change its mind.

[ALL]

No policy platform is gonna pull through;

There it is, Mrs. Krupke.

Fuck you!